Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

I’m sure you’ve all heard the phrase “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”, which essentially summarises that men and women are fundamentally different in their qualities and needs. Mars is a sign of bravery, aggression and a quality of being strong, i.e. the qualities found in men. On the other hand, Venus is a sign of love, beauty and kindness, i.e. the qualities found in women. But it’s 2020 and particularly in the Western world, society is changing so that such traits are no longer just related to the gender of a person. Women are associated with so-called masculine traits, particularly in the workplace. Men are likewise expected to exhibit deemed feminine traits especially at home. But how has this emotional role reversal impacted society and our expectations of both men and women?

At the end of 2019, my family had an intense clear-out of our house, which my mum insisted on after watching Marie Kondo’s series on Netflix about decluttering. As part of this, we had to reorganise our bookshelf and we consequently discovered books which had been hidden away for years. One of the books I came across was John Gray’s, “Mars and Venus: Together Forever”. Now, I wasn’t exactly looking for relationship advice when I picked up this book, in spite of the book’s sub-title, ‘relationship skills for lasting love in committed relationships.’ I was just genuinely intrigued to read one of these many books which had been gathering dust for years on the shelf and who knew, maybe it would be useful for later on in life! Even though this book on its face may just look like another useless relationship advice book, I would highly recommend reading it. No matter what age you are or your relationship status, there is something we can all learn from this book. John Gray covered a lot of topics including the psychology of men and women, how differently men and women react emotionally in situations, and how new expectations of each gender in society subsequently has implications on relationships. I learned a great deal about myself and the reasons for why I act in certain ways when I’m angry, emotional or upset, and this was just generally speaking, not even in a relationship sense. It really took the meaning of ‘not judging a book by its cover’ to the next level, and I strongly recommend reading it. 

One of the areas of discussion that Gray touched upon was how difficult it can be for women to express their emotions and feel supported by their partner if they also have full-time careers. Nowadays, thanks to the emancipation of women and better birth control, more women are able to get an education and career and may also choose to have children. Many jobs that women work in require them to exhibit characteristics including logic, problem solving and rationality. All of these qualities are typical masculine qualities and therefore require a woman to suppress her innate femininity if she wants to be respected, have her voice heard and get the job done. However, as soon as she walks through the doors of her home, she is expected to switch automatically to her more nurturing, emotional and feminine side, which are all qualities she will have suppressed during the day. The qualities which make her a great mother and partner/wife are the complete opposite to those she needs to succeed in the workplace.  Now, there are two key issues that arise from this:

1.   Her partner becomes the person she rants to about her problems 

2.  She has to learn to suppress her feminine side at work and switch it back on when she returns home 

Starting with the first issue, this is based on the fact that unlike generations ago when women used to stay at home discussing their problems with other females, in a heterosexual relationship, their partners/husbands become the people they rant to. This can cause issues to arise because the way that men and women deal with their problems is completely different. Often, when women have a problem, they just want to talk about it and vent in order to feel better. They want to feel heard and emotionally supported, and don’t necessarily need solutions to their problems. Men on the other hand, typically want solutions and use logic if they have a problem. Therefore, when a woman is ranting and a man is providing her with solutions, she feels frustrated and as though she isn’t being heard. This consequently leads to arguments between the partners because they can’t understand that they both tackle their problems differently. It doesn’t mean that the man is wrong, and the woman is right, it just means that they are different. Formerly, women didn’t have this issue because they were able to discuss their problems with their girlfriends during the day and by the time their husbands had returned home from work, they no longer needed this emotional support.

This leads me onto the second issue which is that women need to suppress their feminine side at work and become more masculine if they want to be successful in many careers which are still male dominated. Unfortunately, the way that many workplaces are means that this is inevitable if she wants to get the job done. From my own experience of being Head Girl and as working for a few months in an office job, I know that if I want to get the job done, I need to be logical, rational and fight to have my voice heard. These are not qualities which come naturally to me, and when I come home in the evenings, I sometime struggle to switch off this side of my brain and nurture my more caring feminine side.

Of course, men have similar problems due to a change in society as they need to learn how to support their partners by providing them with more emotional support than their ancestors did, and also play a larger role in the household and with raising the children. Gray describes how many men need ‘cave time’ i.e. time to recover in solidarity, often doing a menial task such as watching TV or reading a newspaper, once they return home from work and only after that can they support their partners and talk to them about their day. Men also generally want to feel appreciated for little tasks they do, because they feel successful in their relationship when they know that their partner is happy. Both partners have to assist each other and explain how they can best support each other by explaining their needs and differences. It often becomes an issue too that many women feel as though they are less emotional and able to open up than their partners. However, by an awareness of differences, partners can learn to nurture each other’s innate masculine/feminine characteristics to achieve a balance in the relationship.

I found this book very eye-opening to realise how as society changes, relationships are also impacted. Now when I observe arguments between couples I feel as though I can understand what each partner’s problem actually is. Picking up this book on a whim to read has also taught me that there’s always something I can learn from a book, regardless of if it seems relevant to me or not, and that I should be open to reading a greater variety of books.

So, what do you think about the different qualities of men and women? How have they changed as society has developed? And what is the last book you picked up that wasn’t a typical book you would read?

Subscribe to receive an update every time I post and follow my Instagram account @mindful_lifex

I hope you have a lovely weekend!