Two Sides of The Same Coin: Au Pairing in Germany (Part One)

Now I’m sure we’re all sick to death of hearing the phrase “these are unprecedented times”. However, believe you me when I say the two experiences that I had of being an au pair in Germany really do take that phrase to a new level. My story truly testifies to the fact that you shouldn’t just believe what you read on the internet because your experiences are always profoundly shaped by the exact time, place and people you meet along any journey. After I did my trusted Instagram poll (63% win to my au pairing stories!), I thought that I should make this post about lessons I learned through au pairing. Then I realised that if I wrote about my experience, highs, lows and advice it would be much more entertaining. Buckle up for a whistle-stop tour of one of the most fun, memorable and challenging times I’ve had during my gap year. 

For anyone who doesn’t know, an au pair is a young foreign person who helps with housework and/or childcare in exchange for food, a room and some pocket money. They live with a host family where they’re welcomed as a family member and are taught about their culture and language. I add this in because when I initially told friends and family of my plans, the majority of people responded with quizzical looks about this mysterious role which had me jetting off to live in another country with an unknown family for a number of months. From what I’ve seen, au pairing is also much more common in mainland Europe including Italy, Spain, Germany and France than it is in the UK.

The reason I decided to do au pairing was because as a modern language student, I thought it would be the perfect chance to learn German, explore the country and push myself out of my comfort zone. Of course, I also really enjoy working with kids so I thought this would be the perfect role as it is also an affordable way to live abroad without the added worries of accommodation and meals. Living with a host family would also give me the security and comfort of my family dynamic from back home if I ever felt lonely or homesick.

In October 2019, I set up my profile on the infamous Au Pair World website and within days I had messages rolling in from families in Germany, Switzerland and Austria who were on the search for the perfect candidate. One thing I’d say to anyone who’s applying to be an au pair is not to worry about not finding a host family. As I did, you’ll realise very quickly that au pairs are more in demand than the families are. In fact, I sent out very few messages to families; the majority of people that I spoke to had reached out to me first. Around November 2019, a family with 2 young kids contacted me as they were looking for an au pair to help them out for a month in January 2020. I instantly knew that this was the family I wanted to work for- their profile clearly specified that they wanted someone outgoing, open-minded and flexible. They had experience with plenty of au pairs before me, led a natural way of life and lived in Göttingen (a small university town with a large student population). Their dog, Lenni, may also have caught my eye. After FaceTiming my host mum, I knew that this was the family I wanted to be an au pair for.

December rolled around and as I neared closer towards January 2^nd, my departure date, the reality of what I was about to undertake started to kick in. Call me last minute, but it was only at this point that I decided to scour the internet for accounts of au pair’s experiences. My screen lit up with terrifying titles: ‘Five WORST Things About Being an Au Pair’, ‘My bad Au Pair experience’, ‘My horrible experience as an Au Pair’ and reams of pages accounting families who exploited their au pairs, au pairs who had to deal with incredibly misbehaved kids and a horrific lack of boundaries set by the parents. Needless to say, I was now petrified, and a ream of worst-case scenarios was running through my mind. I remember meeting a friend on the same day that I’d decided to read these accounts, telling her how I was now freaking out about what I’d signed up for and that it was way to late to turn back. Plane tickets were booked, the contract was signed, and I was going to be stuck with 2 out-of-control young children and parents who made me work 16 hours a day. My worries were certainly not subsided when a family member kindly advised me not to drop the kids on their head as they recalled the Louise Woodward case: a 19-year-old British au pair convicted in 1997 of the involuntary manslaughter of an eight-month-old. That advice certainly helped subside my accumulating anxieties(!).

 

Once I got over the fact that it was highly unprobeable my host family bore any semblance to the families described online, I finally got excited for the flight and packed up a month’s worth of thick clothes for the freezing German winter. I hopped on my 7am flight and was on my way. As soon as I arrived in Göttingen, all of my worries were subsided, and I knew that I was going to get on with my host family. My host mum was brilliant with setting boundaries for times I was responsible for the kids, making sure I understood my responsibilities and involving me with the family. One of the things that I was really grateful for was that she respected that as much as I enjoyed playing with and looking after the kids, I still needed my spare time to recuperate and socialise with people my age. Even before I arrived, she sent me regular updates and photos of the kids so that I already felt included in the family.

 

I think that my travel diary entry on January 5^th perfectly sums up my first few days in Göttingen, “looking after the kids has been a plethora of emotions- tiring, exciting, frustrating and hygge-full (if that’s even a word!). The kids are pretty easy-going and excitable, and I’ve settled down well so far.” Having moved around a fair bit, I didn’t have too much of a culture shock but one of the things that I hadn’t anticipated was how tiring it would be to look after children! Firstly, I was communicating entirely in German with the kids which in itself was mentally draining but it was also so exhausting to keep them entertained for hours on end. Even though I found it really fun and rewarding, it was equally as draining, and I found myself going to bed at 9pm every night for the first week as I adjusted to my new routine. In short, childcare is a task which should not be underestimated!

 

Luckily, my host family already had a wealth of experience with au pairs from Spain, Germany and Italy over several years. This meant that not only were the kids used to constantly being around new people, so it took a very short time for them to get used to me but the parents were also great with making sure I got my free time in the evenings and household chores were fairly flexible too. My host mum also taught me how to make their homemade bread and we had lengthy conversations about her very wholesome and natural way of life. One thing that I really liked about the family was that they brought their kids up in a very authentic way- educational TV programmes were only allowed at the weekend for a fixed period of time, they purchased unprocessed, organic food, and we spent a great deal of time outdoors. The two phrases I became accustomed to hearing was “können wir basteln?” (can we do DIY/crafts?) and “ist das Umweltverschmutzung?” (is that environmental pollution?)- not the typical question you’d expect to hear from a 4-year-old. They were clearly very environmentally conscious.

 

One of the challenges that I encountered with being an au pair was learning to discipline the kids in a way that the parents agreed with. When they had tantrums over the typical things that toddlers and pre-schoolers do, I had to make sure that I dealt with this in an uncontentious way. Throughout the month I learned a great deal about different personality traits and relationships through spending time with my host family and socialising with a lot of new characters. Coincidentally, I happened to be reading John Gray's 'Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus' at the time, which definitely widened my awareness on this topic.

 

One of the things that potential au pairs worry about is loneliness and making friends outside of their host family. Within a couple of days of being in Göttingen, I went to a local hike which I found on the app ‘Couchsurfing’. Through this I met a bunch of international students at the university and from there, we organised day trips and went to a Stammtisch one evening- a truly authentic German experience! I really valued meeting inspiring people from Taiwan, Calcutta, Australia and Singapore. We shared stories about our experiences growing up, politics and our views on the world. It was really insightful to hear about everyone’s journeys, hurdles they’d overcome, and I came to appreciate the extent to which where I’d grow up had influenced my views and opinions that I’d never thought twice about before. With friends I’d made through this meet-up, I went ice skating, bouldering and visited the botanical gardens. This definitely shaped my experience in Göttingen because I wouldn’t have been able to do these things with my host family. I learned that I should always take myself out of my comfort zone and not be put off by other people’s experiences. For starters, I’m sure that if I’d read the horror stories before I’d signed up to do au pairing, I would’ve been entirely put off. Secondly, going to the first meet-up was slightly nerve wracking as I had no idea how it would be. Nevertheless, I’m so thankful that I went within a couple of days of arriving because I instantly made friends who shaped the rest of my experience and it made me feel more comfortable in a new situation. For the month I was in Germany I didn’t feel homesick once but I’m sure that if I hadn’t taken myself out of my comfort zone to meet people around my age, I would have struggled (and possibly even have gone insane!). I also got to see more of the local area as we visited the Rathaus, museum and churches, which my host family wouldn’t have been able to show me because of how young the kids were and due to their busy working lives.

I’m sure as you’ve gathered so far, I really enjoyed my experience of au pairing in Göttingen. Every day I’d have inspiring chats with my host mum that I still think back on and she occasionally sends me pictures and videos of the kids. My German skills improved, but I think that it’s because I didn’t have a choice but to speak German with the kids and I actively told myself to speak in the language with the parents as this was one of the reasons I’d gone to Germany in the first place. If anyone is thinking of au pairing, I’d really stress to push yourself to speak the target language. Even if you’re not fluent, the whole reason you’re there is to learn and when your host parents try to speak with you in English, kindly remind them that you want to practise the language. I’d really recommend au pairing to anyone who’s considering it as it was a brilliant experience and I grew so much in such a short time from living abroad in an entirely foreign situation. I think one of the main things that made my time there so great was that I stayed with a family who had a lot of experience with au pairs, so we had a mutual respect for what was expected of each other.

 

If you read the title of this blog post, you may be wondering what exactly the ‘other side’ of this metaphorical coin was. Well, let me tell you that even though my first experience of being an au pair was incredibly sweet and successful, boy oh boy do I have a story to tell you about my second time. Seeing as this post is already rather long, I’m going to split this into a 2-part post. Keep your eyes peeled for a juicy post where I delve into the candid details of the not so glamorous side of au pairing.