What are you willing to struggle for?

 

Recently I have been doing a great deal of introspective thinking about both past and present experiences. I have also been contemplating the benefits of chasing immediate short-term satisfaction versus making sacrifices for long term fulfilment in the future. The development of my thoughts have been largely influenced by reading “the subtle art of not giving a fuck” by Mark Manson, which is an incredible book and I would highly encourage everyone and anyone to read it! It has given me a great deal to think about and altered my perspective on the way I live my life. In this blog post I will be sharing how I believe it is best to strike the balance between immediate satisfaction derived from hedonism and long-term satisfaction achieved through making sacrifices in the short term. I hope that it provides you with some food for thought and I would love to read your responses to my opinions!

What is hedonism?

Broadly speaking, a hedonist is someone who tries to maximise pleasure and minimise pain. Examples include doing extreme sports for an adrenaline rush, pleasure eating, drinking alcohol to get high and casual sex. The issue is that whilst these things are fun in the short term, it is just as important to find things that will give you long-term satisfaction and a sense of purpose outside of immediate pleasures. I believe that we are energetic beings living in a materialistic world, and our craving of immediate satisfaction through hedonism is a way to cover up a deeper underlying need for fulfilment.

Drinking to get high

Before I came to university, I asked a few of my friends who had just completed their first years for their best pieces of advice they could give me as a fresher. One of the things I was told was that the best chats you have are when you are sober. I could not agree with this more.

One of the main reasons people drink during fresher’s week is of course because it gives them the confidence to socialise and be the more outgoing versions of themselves. However, after a few weeks into term, if you still feel like you need to drink to be comfortable and honest with people, are they really the right group for you?

I remember reading somewhere that “friendship is a sharing of vulnerability”. This of course makes sense because it is the connection you form when you open up with people that makes you realise we are all going through this crazy journey which is life, and in the end though we all have varying degrees to our issues, we’re all ultimately going through the same shit.

Alcohol stifles reasoning skills and contemplating repercussions which means that people are more likely to tell the truth while intoxicated, offering brutally honest, unfiltered opinions. However, a friendship based purely on being able to socialise with people when you are drinking is unlikely to be long term because it essentially has no grounding. If you cannot be yourself when you are sober around that person, is that going to be a long-term friendship?

I therefore believe that whilst drinking may be a good initial bonding activity, in the long term it isn’t a good enough bonding point for friendship which will leave you feeling satisfied. Hence, if you want to feel fulfilled in your relationships in the long term, I think it’s important to identify the connections based only off of drinking and from there question whether or not they are genuine.

Romantic relationships to feel complete

As odd as it may sound, one of my favourite things to do is observe and analyse relationships. Love really does make the world go round and I find it fascinating to see how the people I attract changes depending on the energy that I put out into the world. One of my favourite quotes is that “you accept the love you think you deserve.” Time and again I have observed this both personally and with others around me.

When it comes to romantic relationships, I’ve picked up on a fair few points to do with feeling satisfied in the short term but in the long term resulting in being frustrated. Over the years, I’ve had a number of friends who constantly seem to be in relationships. As soon as one relationship ends, they leap straight into another and within a year they’ve been through a number of short term relationships. Now, I am not saying there’s anything wrong with that but from speaking to these people I’ve found out that not only do they feel dissatisfied with the repetitive cycles of dating and breaking up, but there is often an underlying reason for why they always want to be in a relationship including the following:

a)    They do not like being single

b)    They do not feel loved and connected in their friendships

c)     They enjoy the confidence boost

At the end of the day, humans are sociable beings so it’s only natural to want to be in a relationship and feel loved, supported and connected. However, if you notice that you’re the sort of person who is continually in failed short term relationships then perhaps there is a deeper underlying issue which needs to be solved.

I’m sure we’ve all heard the phrase “love yourself”. I know it’s cringey but it’s true. Until you learn to feel happy and confident in your own skin, any relationship is bound to be strained and in the worst case fail. I’ve seen it happen time and again where people feel like they need to be in a relationship to feel “complete”. Being with someone to satisfy this need may make you feel satisfied in the short term during the honeymoon period but in the long term, the effect wears off and ultimately another person cannot make you happy if you are not happy in yourself. Learning to be happy in your own skin is a process, but it means that when you do reach that point, you’re more likely to have a successful relationship because you can be reliant on that person for more than them just giving you a confidence boost. You’re also more likely to feel satisfied in that relationship because you won’t be reliant on one person to validate you and instead have that confidence within yourself. Some of the ways I have grown to become happier and more confident in myself is by practising mantras, doing things which empower me such as art, writing, and photography, and investing more energy into my friendships.

In this day and age, there is a huge hook-up culture particularly amongst young people. In the short term it makes people feel validated, wanted, loved and worthy. In the long haul however, it is ultimately meaningless and can also be incredibly detrimental in cases where people have casual sex to cover up for deeper underlying issues such as having a low sense of self-worth, commitment issues, or feeling dissatisfied in relationships. In that case, whilst it may make you feel fulfilled in the short term, it could just be prolonging the time you have to deal with these deeper underlying insecurities. I’m not one to judge and each to their own, but I personally think that the satisfaction of investing time, energy and effort into a long-term relationship is much more meaningful than a series of hook-ups.

The other day I was speaking to a friend who said that the reason she hasn’t been in a relationship yet is because she hasn’t found someone yet who is worth putting up with the crappy side of relationships for the good stuff. I remember that she said this to me months ago and at the time I remember thinking, how can she be so sure what she is looking for though?! At the stage I am in my life now, I couldn’t sum my thinking up better. At the end of the day, regardless of the person you end up dating, it is inevitable that there will be arguments, compromises, and differing opinions. Therefore, once you get to the point where you know who/what you are looking for in a partner, then don’t settle for less! It can be helpful to be in relationships to find out what exactly you are looking for and speaking from personal experience, I don't think I knew what I was looking for over the longest time. Of course, it’s fun to be in relationships for the experience and sometimes you have to be with the ‘wrong’ person before you realise who the ‘right’ person would be. However, I believe that once you have reached that point where you know what traits and characteristics you look for in a person and you are willing to make that commitment, then it’s time to raise your standards and wait for someone who is worth it.

No pain, no gain 

Even if you’re not a particularly sporty person, you’ll know the phrase “no pain, no gain” which essentially sums up that suffering is necessary in order to achieve something. This can be applied to any of the goals that you want to achieve, be that career, moving to a new country or writing a book. Whilst I believe this is true, I believe that this mindset can be unhealthy when applied to all areas of life. As someone who used to be a huge perfectionist and very competitive, I used to want to be good at everything I ever did but to the extent that the boundary between what I was good at and what I liked became too blurred. I am now learning to question myself about whether I actually want to do something or if I’m just trying to do it to prove that I am capable of it. 

Invest more energy into things, people and activities that matter

The main take-away point that I hope you can take away from this post is that investing your energy into the things that matter will give you deeper satisfaction for the future. Growing up, I was keen to experience everything I could, be that culture, people, or activities. However, as I’m getting older I’ve realised that I get more satisfaction from investing my energy into things that are worth it. Nevertheless, I believe that a balance needs to be struck between the two.

In the case of school, it’s good to study hard for exams as it develops a good work ethic and will obviously pay off in the future when it comes to applying for jobs. However, if this means that you are constantly compromising your social life to achieve good grades, then that means in the present moment you’re inevitably going to feel miserable. I’m not saying that you should completely neglect your studies, but a balance definitely needs to be struck between the two.

During sixth form I used to spend a lot of time socialising with different friendship groups among my peers, mainly for the reason that I feel most energised when I speak to lots of different people as I think that there is something to be learned from everyone. I liked being able to move between friendship groups and not feel that it was ‘weird’ if I wasn’t part of the group. However, as a consequence it meant that I never felt grounded in one friendship group and it was only really after I completed my A Levels that I settled down with a more tight-knit circle of friends. I’ve realised that whilst I really enjoy speaking to a variety of people, I needed a better balance to feel more grounded and invest my time and energy into fewer friends. Therefore, I think that whilst it’s useful to grow and learn from lots of different people, it’s equally as fulfilling to have a sense of stability with a close social circle.

What are you willing to struggle for?

Over the past few months I have realised that no matter what you choose to do in life, you are going to have to face hurdles, make sacrifices and work hard if you really want to achieve your goals. Anyone who has known me throughout high school and sixth form knows that I had a reputation for wanting to do every single thing possible. I was awful at decision making and really disliked narrowing down my options, mainly because I just wanted to experience everything, and I did not know what I wanted out of life. Now that I’m getting older, I’m learning to prioritise what I want to do and subsequently getting better at narrowing down my options. I have found since that it is so much more enjoyable to focus more of my energy onto fewer things but at the same time, get really good at those as opposed to being just good at everything.

I have found that bearing my values and standards in mind with every choice I make- be that people I socialise with, how I spend my money, the goals I want to achieve and even how I spend my day- has made decision making a lot easier. As a result, I feel like I am living a more meaningful life and getting more out of everything I do.

Essentially, I want you to take away the message that sometimes focusing on the things that really matter in life is more meaningful than focusing on everything. It’s difficult in a society predicated on the idea that we should do more, be more and want more. It’s not about settling for less. It’s about focusing on the things, people and values which really matter. For me, I know that I get a sense of purpose out of my friendships, learning, inspiring others, contributing to society and using my creative energy. So ask yourself, who do you want to be? What do you want to do? Set high standards and do not settle for less. With every decision you make and everything you do, bear these things in mind and I can guarantee that your life will be more meaningful for it.